“I HATE YOU! YOU’RE DEAD TO ME! I SWEAR TO GOD, YOU PULL THAT TRIGGER OR I’LL KILL YOU!”
Those were the last words I would tell her. There in that open field, we faced each other. It was the last thing that I said, standing in her silhouette with the red sun behind her, peering down the barrel of a gun. All I could make out was her shadowy figure. I couldn’t see her face, and maybe it was for the best. I couldn’t see the pain in her eyes, I refused to. So I closed mine.
How did I come to say such words, how could I let these lies just slip from my mouth?
I had changed. I wasn’t myself. I had started to become more aggressive towards her and that wasn’t how I wanted it to be. I could slowly feel the anger building up, and release itself in a self-constrained rage.
I wasn’t always this monster.
Like the words a drunken idiot speaks, what I said to her held some honesty in them. Half of it truthfully meant, the other half, the result of the emotions from the situation. Because in reality, I loved her. I really did. These were just the words that needed to be said. I wasn’t any good for her any more. She needed to escape. She needed to move on.
Funny thing was, I knew exactly how we got here. Before we both stood alone, facing each other, we stood facing the world, alone together. I knew she wouldn’t leave so easily, not now, and not like this. So I knew I had to do what I could to push her. It was better this way. The sun was still high in the sky, but began to fall, as she had wrapped her arms around me from behind. All I could do was stand frozen, with my mind focused on painful memories. We had gone through so much together, leaving behind family and friends. All our loved ones, gone. It was just us two at this point. We had gone through so much, and for what? And all I could do was hate myself, knowing I couldn’t stay here with her. Knowing that I had to leave her. There we stood, like a single figure but I had already begun to separate myself from her grasp.
The moment before this realization came, was the moment that had changed things. Because before everything began to fall apart, we had an outlook of how we could build together.
The world had started crumbling around us long before our walls started to fall. We stayed strong, we survived, we fought, we did all this together. It’s funny how a single moment can change everything. And that’s what happened. It took one moment in time to bring us together, but just as quickly as that moment came, it all came tumbling down with another.
She trusted me, and I did her. But somewhere along the road, we got complacent. We had traveled so far, for so long. We needed a rest.
It was that very morning that changed things. I woke up, facing her, unaware of the rising sun behind her. We went from a blissful dream, quickly to find ourselves back in a nightmare. To my distress, we were surrounded by a handful of zombies. But it was like I had said before, I trusted her and she did me. We moved in a choreography of decapitation and dismemberment. But like I said as well, we got complacent. I did. I looked to her, certain we were again okay. Except we weren’t. I looked to her. Her eyes met mine with a comfort. And as she smiled, I looked in fear as a shadow began to creep up from behind and reach for her. Without hesitation, I lunged forward pushing her aside, grappling with the corpse before pulling free from the struggle to pull out my gun and fire a single shot into its head.
We were safe. She was safe. But it was not the same case for me. I saw the scratches on my arm, soon to spread the infection. And in that moment, I remembered the night before.
She slept, peacefully breathing. Her dreams acted as a way to escape this dreaded world we now lived in. I could not share in a similar comfort. My thoughts and fears consumed me. Not for myself, but for her. This was not the life she deserved. I feared most that I could not keep her safe. I pulled from our pack a journal I had kept from before everything, and dug out a pen from deep within the bag. I flipped through it to find an empty page. With the intention of leaving a note for her, I tried my best to sum up my emotions.
And there we stood, back in the present moment, no longer a single figure, but two distinct shadows in the sunset. Eyes still closed, I waited. It was silent for a mere moment, but soon I began to hear her heartbeat, faster and faster. This contrasted mine, which began to slow down.
Tears in my eyes, I picked myself up. I looked down at you. Or what was you. I knelt over and placed a page torn from your journal and walked away.
I’m sorry. ♥
I’m sorry too. ♥